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Of the few certainties in life (the best known being death and paying taxes), there is one that is inevitable in close relationships. One day, someone you love or feel close to will hurt you. They may be unkind about your looks, or your friends. They may run off with the au pair, or insult your family. Being close to someone means they can kick you where it hurts the most. And if they do, how will you respond?

Retaliate, of course. If not straight away, you can always bear a grudge, so that however long it takes, even as you breathe your last, you will try to exact revenge. Except that vengeance is no longer current. These days, it's all about forgiving.

The UN's report Forgiveness, which looks at the psychological research into the subject, cites studies showing the importance of forgiving within personal relationships, as well as between war-torn nations. It makes you healthier and happier, the research says; it makes you feel stronger – it was Mahatma Gandhi who said, "Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong" – and better about yourself. Holding a grudge is bad for your blood pressure (no surprises there), causes anxiety and can reduce your life expectancy. It affects you and not them – the offender has probably forgotten all about what's making you bitter and twisted.

In relationships, couples who forgive each other are happier than those who don't – and happier couples are in any case more likely to forgive each other than those who have been making each other miserable for years.

But forgiving – as well as being dull compared with revenge – is by no means easy. Forgiveness experts define it as a process that results in your losing the desire to retaliate and letting go of negative emotions. You can forgive but not be reconciled to the person you are forgiving. You can forgive without telling them. No wonder it's not easy: the International Forgiveness Institute at the University of Wisconsin-Madison has a forgiveness model with 20 steps.

One of the world's experts on forgiveness is Frank Fincham of Florida State University. "Forgiving brings you peace and closure," he says. "But it takes time. It's more accurate to say to someone, 'I will try to forgive you.' To say you'll forgive and forget is a contradiction. You can forgive only when you remember."

So how do you forgive? First think about the benefits (no obsessing over how upset you are, no more feeling anxious or put upon), then about things you might have done wrong (no one is perfect); revisit what happened, seeing if you can understand your reaction and why the other person might have behaved in the way they did. As Fincham says, "It's a free choice to forgive or not, but you can usually make a cost benefit analysis for it."

Setelah Make Love, What next.?

I was sitting in my kitchen, enjoying a leisurely breakfast for one, when a headline made me spit my toast out. "Find Mr Right before age of 30 or settle for second best." Dear God, it must be spring. Single women are the new spectator sport.

According to an American book out this week, women who refuse to commit unless they find a man with whom they feel a deep love are consigning themselves to a lonely future. Lori Gottlieb, author of Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr Good Enough, blames feminism for the number of women who spend years holding out for an equal.

Usually it's easy to demolish these ghastly tomes. They're written by surrendered women or right-wing dating gurus or men with a very big axe to grind. Rather unhelpfully, though, Gottlieb is a 40-year-old single woman herself. She has experience at the coalface. As a single mother, she wishes she had "settled" for any of the "perfectly acceptable but uninspiring" men she rejected.

Personally, I haven't been turning down a string of rich prospective husbands. To be honest, a credit card and non-sexist views does the trick. It's just life doesn't always work out quite as planned.

When I was growing up, my mother warned us that men "just wanted one thing". We were put on red alert about men trying to take us to bed. Any place. Any time. It sounded fantastic. Like one long Martini advert. Can I tell you just how untrue that proved to be? Maybe girls are the new boys. But it's hard work luring platonic dates round for candle-lit suppers on a school night. It does hurt your feelings when they "aren't ready" for a weekend break.

Single friends who have been dipping a toe in the internet dating pool complain that it's impossible to get a man to leave the house. Maybe they're the impossible romantics. Gottlieb is right. Companionship matters. No one can live a life of passionate intensity every day. We are naive to hanker after the One Big Love.

Recently a mathematician worked out that there are 16 people on the streets of London who would be perfect for him. It's just bloody hard to meet them, he sighed. We're all faulty, hopeful people – whatever our romantic status. A single life isn't a second-best life. You don't have to settle – just because you weren't picked yet. The trick is to hold your nerve, then hold it some more.

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How to hint your partner to do better in bed

Set the mood

The most important thing for performing lap dance is to feel sexy and attractive for your beloved one. If you start criticizing yourself, you simply cannot deliver the erotic message to your lover.

Take off the clothes and look at yourself in the mirror - you should admire your own body. Keep in mind that he loves you in spite of all the minor imperfections.

You can also do some rehearsal: close your eyes, sway your hips in tune with music, imagine yourself as a kitten to make your movements smoother.

Dress to be undressed

It is more essential what's underneath your clothes. Wear something special like sexy stockings, lacey lingerie, but make sure you feel comfortable in your outfit. On the outside it can be something very simple, like his shirt or something just as sexy as your lingerie.

Set the scene

Turn on the soft relaxing music. Sit him down to the chair and position yourself in front of him. Start swaying your hips slowly in tune with music, getting closer to him.

Lap Dance step by step

Enjoy yourself

The main dance movement for you is drawing an eight with your hips. Occasionally run your hands over your body especially your breasts and hips. He will enjoy the way you please yourself.

Strip off

Start taking off your clothes one by one from your blouse or shirt, then take of your skirt or jeans. Do it slowly, while keeping on your dance performance. Look straight into his eyes - let him imagine and anticipate to see in details what is hiding under your clothes.

Hold on when all that is left on you is your lingerie and stockings. Switch his focus on your buttocks. Turn around and push out your butt, draw circles with it, sway and caress it with your hands from time to time.

Get In his space

Approach him and place one foot between his feet and another one on the chair. Place your hands on the back of the chair and let him smell your perfume. Rub your body against his. Keep to "hands-off' rule - this will drive him crazy.

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No pressure to be perfect the first time

As a beginner, if you make a mistake, it will feel like less of a tragedy. Beginners don't have to impress anyone with anything other than their openness to learn. Be willing to say to people you meet, "I'm new at this". If you are coming out of a long-term relationship, that will be seen as an asset, as in: "This person knows how to have a relationship!". Also, being "the new kid on the block" motivates others to be helpful, and to show you the ropes. You are not a threat or a challenge when you're a beginner.

You might invent a new, better way of doing something.

Many of the world's great inventions were mistakes made by someone fumbling around with the unknown. Modern rubber, for example, was invented in 1839 when Charles Goodyear accidentally spilled some of a concoction he was "cooking" onto a stove. Who knows what naive mistakes you can make that will revolutionize dating, at least for you? Don't be afraid to get a little creative if it fails, you'll have something to laugh about, and if it succeeds, you might get very lucky.

You can more easily correct old, bad habits

Opening up your mind to learning new things makes it easier to bypass old, automatic behavior.

***Quote***

"Every situation we face in life is different," says Harvard learning researcher Dr. Ellen

nger in a Bottom Line Personal interview, "and learning from each one requires....mindful

learning, which involves taking in new information in a way that allows us to use it in

different situations....to vary the basics to allow each of us to use our unique physical skills,

mental abilities and personalities to the fullest." (Oct 15, 1997)

***end quote***

Trying new things, playing with the situation, and making it fun for

yourself could cause you to make a mistake, but it is more likely to make

the experience more interesting, and teach you something you need to know.

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Love, Family, and Living the T with Transgender Teenagers...

Here’s what you see when you drive down Los Angeles’s Santa Monica Boulevard just east of La Brea: a 7-Eleven, a Shakey’s Pizza, a low concrete building with fish painted on the side, and a taco stand. There’s a Chinese takeout place and a triple-X video rental shop, a filling station, and four lanes of traffic, two in each direction. Old people waiting for the bus. Young mothers dragging children in flip-flops. A discount dollar store, a Laundromat, and a bunch of teenagers standing around and smoking. If you stare for more than a minute, you may note that most of these teenagers are girls, and that they’re more ethnically varied than other cliques in this segregated town. But that’s it. Santa Monica Boulevard’s got the sun-bleached, chain-store feeling of most of L.A.

If you’re a transgender girl (meaning you were born male but live as a female), you might notice something extra along this stretch of Santa Monica. It’s here that you’ll find girls trading secrets about how to shoot up the black-market hormones purchased from the swap meets in East L.A. If the hormones don’t work fast enough to manifest your inner vision of wider hips and C cups, you can find out about "pumping parties" out in the Valley, where a former veterinarian or a "surgeon’s wife" from Florida will shoot free-floating industrial-grade silicone into hips, butts, breasts, knees -- even cheeks and foreheads. Of course, this is dangerous when the oils shift and form hard lumps in the armpits and thighs, but you’ll look good for a while.

On Santa Monica, you can learn which dance clubs, like Arena (with its crudely painted ocean mural on the outside), let in underage kids and have go-go boxes for dancing. You can learn which motels, one block up on Sunset, are safe and clean and have weekly rates. You can find out about the telemarketing company that hires transgender youth, no matter what they look like, to sell garbage bags and first-aid kits over the telephone. Of course, for the job you’ll have to memorize a script saying that you’re handicapped and that these household items are offered at higher prices because they provide employment to mentally handicapped people like yourself. And though it makes you sick to say it, this technically won’t be a lie; transgender people are still dubbed "mentally ill" by the medical community, the way gay people were in the seventies. This is how the telemarketing firm gets away with cheap labor.

On Santa Monica, you can walk with a friend to the Jeff Griffith Youth Center -- one of the few outreach agencies that knows about, and feeds, struggling transgender kids under twenty-four. It’s right on the corner of Sycamore; you’ll recognize it by the thick bars on the windows and the hand-drawn sign that says NO FIGHTING. Here you can sign up for a shower or get free bus tokens or a subsidized meal on a tray that looks just like the kind served in the high school cafeteria you ran from. There’s also a big TV and a pool table with no billiard balls, and you can hang out until the place closes at six o’clock, without cars stopping you on the street and asking, "How much?"

And when the center closes, you can traipse over to Benito’s, the twenty-four-hour clapboard outdoor food stand and "Home of the Rolled Taco," for yet another dinner. Teenagers can always eat.

At Benito’s, over the sizzle and pop of day-old grease, kids preen and throw insults and drink oversize sodas from waxy paper cups and look into cars for cute boys who might roll by. As the girls wait for night, when the dance clubs open, the Benito’s parking lot fills with them, laughing and squealing and running up to one another with halfway air-kissy hugs, like they haven’t seen each other in ages and yet don’t want to muss their clothes. Most look nothing like the drag queens or cross dressers that stereotypes dictate or outsiders expect. They’re young and soft faced and wear jeans and T-shirts or, if it’s a Saturday night, clingy dresses and big hoop earrings.

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